Is it just me, or are other people experiencing level upon level of disruption and challenge, much as we see on the macro level all around the world? I suspect that, by a long shot, I am not alone. Not everything that disrupts and challenges, though, is bad. In fact, it's not bad at all, unless we get stuck in seeing it that way. I suspect that being thankful in all things (a Biblical admonition to which I aspire) is more than (or not at all about) realizing that others have it worse, whatever it is. It seems (to whatever understanding I possess) that genuine thankfulness is a sincere trust that it (whatever it is) is indeed good, regardless of how I my see it from the confinement of my narrow personal view (at that particular moment). The last month, for me, has been intense. Family concerns that most everyone goes through, but it seems (and doesn't it always, I suppose) that my particular extenuating circumstances are uniquely exasperating. And what have I learned? That I am a mess, easily getting trapped and tangled up in my own head. Yep - the story of my ... performance career. It is true that one's personality is (necessarily) reflected in one's artistic expression (and if any doubt, read the recent concert review on my "news" blog), and so straight lines for me, at any level, are elusive (again, read the review). Just the acknowledgement, though, of being led by my own negative thoughts is it's own confession, of sorts, allowing/reminding me to view beyond them. It all simplifies (even for me) into trust. If I have one straight line, this is it's destination

Found this (personal) journal entry from July of 2008, when I was beginning the plunge into my first comprehensive theatre experience (as musical director):

"Had a settling point last night while shedding “Island”. Again, it’s - listen to myself, dummy! Funny too, it’s much the same as what I learned on the “other side”. I kept plowing through, hitting it when I could, and cringing when I didn’t (and when in 6 sharps, any sight reading approaching tempo is a crap shoot). How can I learn this way though, and what control will I have? This is just what I was feeling, as the heaviness settled in more deeply. What have I learned? Patient - listening. In each measure, don’t play the next note until I know (and feel) what it is - take my time - don’t approximate. As I did this (not consciously, but perhaps God had enough of my slogging, or it was time to learn the lesson I would have already known, if I were a student (first) and not a teacher), I began to feel that, now (becoming) familiar internal “connection”. I was piloting the ship again. I can do this! Still need to work awhile to get comfortable and up to tempo - but, still, night and day (I am the one?). This is exactly what I would tell students to do, but even then, though the direction was correct, the first hand “insight” was missing. Too much emphasis on being a teacher and not a student. “Those who can’t do, teach”, they say, but not that they don’t understand (now, it seems), they just aren’t students (first). So, this sheds light - Those who “can’t do”, may truly understand, with fine insight - they just aren’t students. Again, now, listen to myself! I keep proving over and over that I know what I’m talking about. I am, though, a poor student, and a slow learner... It’s in the application - being a student and not a teacher. A student teacher. This means patient listening in what I’m doing now, and in all that I apply. In this I connect to God, and find purpose and fulfillment. Be a student now. What do I teach? What can I learn?"