Editors note (that sounds weird):
I have been having trouble lately with the Google videos which I have previously posted. Now, all of the links appear to be broken. Even if I can re-establish these, I am not aware how to insert them back into the existing postings. I suspect that I will give up. In the next day or two, I suppose that I'll edit out the clips, and preserve as much relevant text as works, unless someone has a suggestion.

Working on disciplines. That, in itself, has become it’s own discipline. The "creative" mind is so active. In the time it takes me to get started with anything, multiple new concepts/ ideas/ opportunities are already revealing themselves. It’s not anything that turns on or off easily, it just is, at least in my world. I occasionally find an opportunities to "observe" my sub-conscious operate. One of these opportunities will occur when I am driving somewhere, then snapping out of auto pilot to (temporarily) not recognize where I am (even though I haven’t physically strayed off course - only in my mind). In that moment, I first acknowledge that it’s okay, because, I will soon realize where I am. I then make a conscious determination to not try to deduce where I am, but rather to enjoy the moment of trusting, and continue driving. Then it happens. I don’t will it; I don’t even want it, but I can "feel" my mind doing a "search", much as we would to on a computer. Though I am not consciously doing this, I am aware of "data" being analyzed and compared, even as I try to dis-engage. Then, alas, in probably not much more than a second, perhaps less, I become keenly aware of exactly where I am. The subconscious mind is not one to be tamed, especially mine.

Oscar Peterson Quartet with Joe Pass, live, in "Cakewalk".

In the chronicle of influential people and events to my journey, the story of my "experience" attending a concert involving Oscar Peterson needs to be told. This occurred in the mid-1980's, and was important in shaping my understanding of God's general revelation (through nature/creation). The following account is copied from a(n unfinished) manuscript that I have been working with for some time, and am now stuck: a book about music in Christian worship. This video, although not as powerful a statement (to me) as the performance that I attended, does provide an example of the Oscar Peterson magic, in a similar format (the trio that I witnessed did include the great guitarist, Joe Pass plus John Heard on bass). "Some years ago, I attended a concert, ripe with enthusiasm in the (then) young, (always) aspiring jazz pianist. I was going to hear Ella Fitzgerald. No one sang (or sings) like Ella, and I was anticipating a delightful experience. I didn’t mind waiting through the opening "act"; the Oscar Peterson Trio (at that point I was only slightly aware of Oscar) to get to Ella. As the first notes sounded, however, the words of Duke Ellington describing his first experience with (the greatest jazz pianist, and arguably, the greatest musician of the 20th century) Art Tatum are fitting: "I was quite unprepared for what I was to encounter". Being "blown away" doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt, and reacted, to what I was hearing. Stunned and amazed, yes, but that was only the opening to an "experience" much deeper; an "experience" of worship. Not corporate worship in any Biblically regulated sense, but private worship in the "I’m in the presence of the Lord, and it is too wonderful for me" sense. All that I heard and experienced transcended Oscar, or Joe Pass, Or John Heard, who were but the vessels of God’s revelation to me (not at the church, but) from the stage. No one preached a sermon, no one read from the Bible. It wasn’t necessary. God was speaking volumes to me. I was impressed with Oscar, yes, but I was (and am) in awe of God. What beauty, what heights of excitement, what emotion (by the time Ella performed, I was exhausted)! Oscar was a window through which (to me) "God’s attributes" were clearly seen. I am without excuse; I must, I am compelled to praise, honor, and worship God."

Something interesting happened tonight, and not completely unexpected. I've decided to push a little harder, and take every concert opportunity like it's the concert of my life (not that I don't take performing seriously, or with intensity, but doing the volume of gigs that I do can turn the focus sometimes into something more like "plowing") , even if it's in a small town (though quite upscale) retirement community: Heron Point in Chestertown. I tested the waters with some stuff tonight, and was very well received. Usually, in senior communities I have put a particular emphasis on some of the entertainment elements, in addition to the playing. I think this was (initially) partially borne out of some insecurity. This time I tried a new "treatment" for illustrating jazz improv.; demonstrating "freedom" and "structure" (and, of course, I understand that these elements are never disconnected in real performance, but I think the illustration still works). I included, for the first time (together) a classical piece, followed by a "no-agenda" improv (especially with specialized, or specific audiences, it's hard for me to drop the agendas). It's hard for me to stay focused on even a very easy classical piece (Moonlight Sonata, first mvt.), and I certainly can't memorize, because I'm such a conceptualist (I would very quickly slide into expressing the essence, and lose some of the specifics), which means, no matter how well I may know whatever it is, I have to read. Everything was connecting with the audience tonight (this new "spiritual" performing freedom will take me far, I increasingly believe), but the best received selection was; you guessed it: the classical piece. I've never performed any of the classical stuff as part of who I am, but have had a nagging sense that I am in an artistic position to make a go of it now (this nagging started years ago, and is independent of my "discovery" of Kieth Jarrett).. It will take a lot of work because I am a poor reader (relative to where everything else is). Hmmmm. Time, and (God-inspired) patience will tell. It's all good.

Just a brief check in here. I'm sitting in the activity office of an assisted living community that I regularly visit, and doing what I so often do , that messes my schedule up (daily); trying to do (or cram) "one more thing". A professional friend of mine (whom I'm choosing not to name), with whom I deeply identify, and whose professional life is similarly structured to mine, says about himself something to the effect of; "I'm the most inefficient person I know". Funny, because he's such a go-getter with a successful business, but I understand. To be a creative thinker often comes at a price. My own inefficiency can be deeply frustrating, but the creative "zone" that my temperament has carved out (the flip side) is equally rewarding, and more so. I'm having fun (unless I'm trying to organize things, or anything like that). Like I've said: not talent, but imbalance.

It's really something when things begin to "come together", and how many "individual components" meld and shape into what we grow to understand. As I wrote last night, and observed what I was writing, I realized how important that brief exchange with John had been in opening my mind ("be transformed by the renewing of"). As I wrote, I also thought about an exchange that I had years later with a pastor friend. He was expressing (in general terms) his frustration with a difficult board member. He said; "Joe, I'm seriously thinking that this man may be demon-possessed". I calmly (sometimes a feat for me) responded that the human condition/"sinfulness", would be a more than adequate explanation for the situation, and he should probably deal with this person form that position. He stopped and thought for a brief moment than said "Yeah, Joe, you're probably right". Thanks, John.

It's getting easier, I think; this "zone" of music making that I'm calling the "spiritual" place. Easier to "find", and easier to "navigate". Easier (the use of this word makes me slightly uneasy, suggesting I'll, eventually, find a better way of getting this across) meaning that I have begun to re-tool my mind. To take some liberty with a Bible quote (only for clarity here, and not, to my sense, a departure from the meaning) "Do not be conformed to the slavery and creative/societal stifling of self absorption, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...". Can I substitute "the slavery and creative/societal stifling of self-absorption" for "this world"? Is the "problem" here the bogey-men and scapegoats without, or the human condition within? Many years ago (when some of my thinking resembled "fundamentalism", more so than today), I was having a conversation with someone after a church service, and was overheard to reference the devil as the culprit for some personal struggle (the detail of which I don't remember). At that point, John (his real name, but his anonymity is secure) interrupted, correcting me that the "problem" was not anything outside of myself for which I could cast blame; I (or specifically, as he pointed out, my own "sin") was the problem. Not much you can say to someone who is dead right (except, eventually, thank you). It is not easy to acknowledge slavery to self, except in the embracing of God. I feel that, as a performer, that I have "access" (potentially) to so much more that even a year ago (I have felt especially connected in the gigs of the past few days). As I have been absorbing this "lesson" over the past months (and sharing parts of it in this journal with you as I go), I sense now that to which I must presently focus, as this journey continues: patience. God's perfect work is brought about through God-inspired patience. I am only beginning to learn. God is truly at work.